Spasm In The Place Where You Live, Now face North…

So somehow** I have pulled something in my upper back and Thursday and Friday night couldn’t sleep it was so bad. Went for some chiropractics. Some people don’t have any love for the chiros, but they have worked well for me over the years, and it would seem I am to be reacquainted with them once again. My hips are askew from left to right, but my skull is askew from right to left. My spine also doesn’t have that nice S-curve that people are supposed to have, so my shock absorption abilities are greatly decreased. Which makes sense to me because my back always aches when I run for any length of time. Yet another excuse for me not to run. I hate running.

On top of that, the lack of sleep contributed to my weakened system and I caught myself a nice cold, so I have been out of commission the last 3 days. I hate taking time off work. Well… I feel bad about taking time off work… but I spent the last couple of days on the couch trying to find a position where my back didn’t ache, but I could sleep. Fun.

I don’t go back into work until Thursday so I hope to be back to nearly 100% by then.

Jo will be working for the next 4 days as well, for the next 2 days I will be the single parent for the first time as Jo will be unavailable except for a lunch time feed. I think it will be fine, but we’ll see. I m planning lots of distraction for the wee one. Try and play him out so he’ll sleep for longer than 40minutes (which is his default setting).

Speaking of which, the little weasel is up already… 40 minutes on the dot. He doesn’t do this for his mom!

And 1 Makes 10

Since I am doing such a fantastic job at updating this site (9 other posts since the new year) I thought I’d at least get into double digits and try to keep it at at least a post a month. Try being the operative word.

Work/Study/Nursing/This Thing I am Doing
So I have completed my stint at the adult hospital and came out relatively unscathed. I was very nervous going in, and wasn’t really looking forward to it. But a couple Enrolled Nurses helped me out the first few days and the rest of the staff were quite helpful. However, they did put me on evening shifts for the entire month I was there. 1:30pm-10pm for a month straight. I was over it. Highlights included: dealing with my first couple of patient deaths (they have a much more fancy name for it like, “end life care” or something like that.) complete with preparing the body for the morgue etc. , not having an educator on the ward, not getting TB, and feeling like I kinda knew what was going on by the time left. It was a much better experience than I had anticipated, but needless to say I am glad to be back at the Children’s hospital.

The Fight Game
Have not been able to get to as many jujitsu classes as I would have liked, but go to at least one a week. I really need to add some supplemental exercise to my regime. I mean no one wants to get puked on during a wrestle do they? I don’t know if I am getting any better, but I am loving it. It may even drive to actually use some of the health cover I pay for. Some physio and a massage may be in order for my neck. It go worked over very well last week and it still is stiff. So just so we’re clear, I pay to have bigger guys try to hurt me enough for me to say uncle. As far as I know I don’t suffer from any mental illness. But maybe I should talk to someone about that.

Fatherhood and God
As I type this I am listening to my wee son cry for what I think has been 30minutes (every 10 or so we go in and give him a pat, but he IS persistent!). I have been a bit overwhelmed lately with this whole father/parenting thing which has made me a bit emotional. Lately in the news here we have had horrible stories of tragedy involving children. I have struggled a bit with the world I have brought my son into. I fear for his future. I fear for my inability to control things that would keep him safe. I am beginning to understand what all our parents must have experienced when they let us venture out for the first time. That day is still far away for us… but I think about it.

I have been remembering my first week in Brockville when I started working with youth. I met the long haired guy gardening in his front yard who was to be my mentor for the summer. I was wearing this hat that said “Fear Not” and had a bible verse on it… a little play on the “No Fear” label that was popular at the time. Oh those were different times. I would not be wearing thing like that these days. But whatever. He asked me if I believed it. That began a 7 year journey of fighting for control. Of admitting I wanted it. Of realizing I didn’t really trust this God who I had pledged allegiance to. I think what I am realizing is that I can’t really trust myself either. Things happen. Horrible things. To good people. To innocent people. To children. I don’t have a good answer as to why. I also don’t see why I should be exempt from these things. Why do I, or the people I care about, deserve special treatment? We are not any better or worse than anyone else.

The thought of anything happening to my family is the worst thing I can think of. It would devastate me in so many ways. I love my son and my wife in a way I thought not possible. How am I to protect them when random and some not so random craziness happens to people every day? I can’t. And that sucks in so many varieties.

What I decided on my drive home from jujitsu tonight was this: my hope doesn’t end with this life. My hope does not end here. I will work to make this world a better place for my son. I will work to teach him how to be a good person, to have passion for life, to have passion for people, to have compassion and mercy. I will do my best to give him the tools he will need to change this world for the better. I will teach him about faith. I will teach him about doubt. And all that goes in between. And I will teach him about hope. As I remind myself about it.